If i could tip my vagina, i would.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
