Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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