I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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