Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
