Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
