I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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