Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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