I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize