I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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