I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
he thought i was a dude.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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