take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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