so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
