I wish life had little blips of pornography
he told me I talked like a deaf person
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
