How'd it feel making her break her religion?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
