i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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