I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
