Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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