I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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