So drunk, too bad you don't want this
accomplished twins. life is a go
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
