please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
