Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
