I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
