dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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