Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
