I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
