I checked into jail on foursquare
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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