So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
