just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
