Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
