All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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