Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
