the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
