I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
