I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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