You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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