i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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