dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
