I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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