Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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