just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
