Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
