the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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