So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
