i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
