I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
