so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
