The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The air was thick with penises
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
