He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
