dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
