I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
