i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
