I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
