i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
