Got a toothbrush?
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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