I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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