i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
