my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
