you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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