Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
