Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
