i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
