I heard we made out
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
