I will die if light touches me.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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